Secular Humanism Alert: The Next Pledge of Allegiance

Canada's looking better every day.

A Google search for "Christian flag" yielded 21,200 links and 360 images. Apparently there is a "battle" over teaching evolution is Kansas schools. A battle?? An IMAX film about volcanoes is being referred to as "controversial" because it mentions evolution. Some theaters in the South have refused to show the film. (Read a reprint of Cornelia Dean's New York Times piece here.)

Now I know the following will not be "controversial," as no one who actually reads this is likely to be offended, but I'd just like to write it down anyway:

Dear Christians,

Feel free to be Christian and do Christian stuff and love Jesus and believe all the ridiculous crap in a 2,000-year-old book about talking snakes, tiny boats that can somehow accommodate two of every animal on the planet, dudes just hanging out in whale stomachs, rivers of blood, a rain of frogs, unbridled inbreeding, and countless exhortations by a "loving god" demanding wholesale slaughter, family-member sacrifices, etc. But fucking keep it to yourself. Don't threaten everybody else's ability to live a normal, well-reasoned life with your wacky myths and arbitrary proscriptions. If you're being opressed by scientifically verifiable hypotheses, there are plenty of private schools out there that are more than happy to teach your kids about the spontaneous creation of two white people 5,000 years ago in a magical garden filled with talking animals and restricted access to certain kinds of fruit. Send them to one. Believe what you want. Just get your bullshit out of the courts and out of my life.

Yours in Jesus,

A Concerned Non-Christian

I will now leave you with an image that should reduce your brain -- perhaps your very soul -- to rubble:

...With a Little Help from My Friends

A genuinely touching (and utterly wrong) example of true friendship. [Thanks (kinda) to Paddy O'Furniture for the link.]

...now that you've returned from puking your guts out in the bathroom...

Tye (or as I like to call him, Secret Square #2) is in California this week as our roving Coachella correspondent. Assuming he survives the heat, the barrage of ironic t-shirts and asymmetrical haircuts, and the deadly swarms of killer bees, he should have some good heatstroke-and-narcotics-addled stories to pass on when he returns. Expect gems like "The guys in Bauhaus are aging badly," "The desert was hot," and "Wilco really fucking sucks." Tye's absence also means that this week's Low-Life will be a solo affair. To keep things interesting (for me, anyway), it will be an all-Power-Pop extravaganza. Big Star, Teenage Fanclub, Flamin' Groovies, Badfinger, etc. More on that later.

In case you hadn't heard, Sign of the Apocalypse #327 has come to pass: intolerable ass-master Ryan Seacrest has been given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Who's next? Jared from the Subway ads?? Anyway, H.O.P.E. (Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment) has launched a competition urging people to defile this five-pointed signet of darkness. If you're in the L.A. area, maybe you can stop by and pinch a steamer right on the "Seacrest." It's crude, I know, but it really would be a fine Kodak moment.

More goodies:
An animated film of Arcade Fire's "Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)" [via Stereogum]
Is this too funny to be real? You be the judge. [via Lindsayism]

What's This "Day of Rest" Shit?

Well, it's 4/20. Or, as it shall be called from here on... Lebowski Day. Tonight, April 20, is the Museum of Modern Art screening of The Big Lebowski. Talk about a collision of high and low culture. Suffice it to say, I am excited about big-screen Lebowski to the point of near-obsession. In that spirit, here's a Dude soundboard to play with. Also, the IMDB's Lebowski trivia page has some fascinating nuggets.

In order to better understand the holiday, I did a little digging into the origins of 4/20. Not surprisingly, my research began -- and essentially ended -- with High Times. There's a more conventional exploration here.

Speaking of drugs, I was surprised to find that the funniest piece in the new issue of The Onion was... you ready for this?... a review of the new NARC video game.

Thanks to Lance for an amazing link: The Online Home of the Rock Snob's Dictionary.

Happy Lebowski Day!! Don't forget to "spark up a doobie" or whatever.

How Many Times Can I Add to the Same Post? Relevance Vs. Prolificness

I never want to post more than once a day, because I'm afraid no one will read the previous one, even if it's only like an hour older. But then, if you keep updating one post, people who saw it already won't keep reading. In short: my very first MAJOR BLOGGER DILEMMA!

Anyway, a while ago I mentioned the horrible/rad show Intervention. Well just mentioning things is for wussy amateurs. While I was busy mentioning things, Lindsayism came up with an Intervention Drinking Game that is... well, fucking excellent.

Oh and you should read the previous post because I added a bunch of new shit at the bottom and, as usual, it's all just mind-blowingly brilliant.

Direct from the Star Chamber: That New Pope Smell

White smoke, bells, four dancing midgets, seven maids a-milking, and a fresh, minty smell have been released from the Vatican, signaling the selection of a new pope. The lucky pontiff's name hasn't been announced yet, but we have every reason to believe it will be a Catholic clergyman over the age of fifty.

**UPDATE** Thanks in part to the recent resurgence of reactionary absolutism in Christian doctrine (think Mel Gibson, GeeDubya, etc.), the Vatican has decided to rule with the proverbial iron fist.

Here's a quick blurb on Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, whom we'll be calling Pope Benedict XVI from now on:

"In the Vatican, he has been the driving force behind crackdowns on liberation theology, religious pluralism, challenges to traditional moral teachings on issues such as homosexuality, and dissent on such issues as women's ordination." [courtesy CNN]

Good times, good times.

I just took this American dialect test, and the results are TOTAL BULLSHIT:

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

25% Yankee

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

Yeah... 0% Midwestern. I was born in Illinois. Great test.

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Solving a Processed-Meat Mystery: Hooray for Baltimore

The Steak-Um mystery has been solved. As it turns out, the entire discussion was doomed from the start by a simple misspelling. We all missed an "m." One trip through a Baltimore freezer section was all it took to find a "fresh" box of Steak-umm.

Learn more about Steak-umm® sandwich steaks.

Siobhann sent this link to a pirate computer keyboard.

In the wake of the recent re-release of their first three albums, the original Dinosaur Jr. lineup is back together for a reuinion tour. That should go well.

Like Yanni at the Acropolis... Only With Better Haircuts

Last night was a great example of "bad concert." Tye and I went to see French synth-shoegazers M83 at Bowery Ballroom. Instead of a blown-through-the-back-of-the-theater experience, we received an education in all that can go wrong with a stage show. To be fair, neither of us really wanted to be out last night, but we felt obligated. I should also point out that we are both totally smitten with the M83 album. It's friggin' brilliant.

It all started with the opener, Ulrich Schnauss. Problem number one: guy's name is Ulrich Schnauss. He was also basically dressed like a mime. And his "setup" was a laptop and a little keyboard on a kitchen table. Now, this is already a huge problem. I don't care how talented you are and how complex and amazing your music is, if you're playing a show there should be something to look at. Otherwise you should just put on your album and go sit at the bar. (Tye mentioned an Autechre show that consisted of them turning off all the lights and "playing" in the dark... ouch.) On the other hand, when I said something about how boring an Aphex Twin show would be, he pointed out that the last time he saw them, there were giant teddy bears running around the stage, which was set up to resemble a fully furnished living room. Richard D. James himself was under the coffee table playing with his electronic doohickeys. Teddy bears, a stage set, and getting under a fucking table is a show! Anyway, our man Ulrich proceded to play...wait for it...New Age Music!! I mean like Vangelis, Tangerine Dream, etc. And people were staring at this guy and clapping. Clapping. We were quick to point out that if the dude's name was Teddy Pendergrass and he was from Milwaukee, people would have been booing and throwing shit at him. Instead, he pulls the Sprockets routine and all the hipsters lap it up.

Anyhoo, M83 finally get onstage (at 11:00 p.m. on a schoolnight). They say nothing. They stand still. They sound exactly like their album. I gave them four songs and split.

The purpose of this story is this: Last night really got me thinking about the whole live music thing. Some bands have it, others should be locked in the studio for the rest of their lives. I mentioned the Aphex Twin story in anticipation of charges of Rockism or punkophilia. Orbital shows (or even Stereolab shows) prove that your music can be pretty much canned, and you can still entertain. That having been said, if Ulrich Schnauss had finished his set and proceded to smash his keyboard, light it on fire, and smear peanut butter and broken glass all over himself, I'd be telling you how rad the guy is. It's called showmanship, and I object to your band charging for live shows if you don't have it.

Unfortunately, there remains one problem, one obstacle to the extinction of boring shows by knob-twiddlers and stand-in-one-placers: other musicians. Those trainspotting, effect-pedal-scoping, guitar-counting chord-watchers who stand in awe of a band's innovative use of tube amps. They fucking clap and yelp and encourage boring-band artisanship. Then they go home and masturbate to the Sam Ash catalog while the rest of us lament the unbelievably boring show we just stood through.

Which is a very longwinded way of saying "I hate boring shows." Look into teddy bears and peanut butter. Or at least learn to windmill on your guitar.

Parenthetically, "Shoegaze" is one of the best terms ever invented for a music subgenre. It's right up there with "Heavy Metal," "Slowcore," and "Pop" (obvious but perfect) in its understated humor and/or descriptive power. On the flip side you have "IDM" (Intelligent Dance Music???), "Electroclash" (obviously invented by a complete twat), and, yes, "Rock 'n' Roll." I'm sorry but "Rock 'n' Roll" is a pretty lame term if you think about it.

Speaking of bad music, someone gave "America We Stand As One" a slight facelift. It's obvious, but still pretty funny.

I Predict a Steady Rise in Steak-Um and Spray-Cheese Sales

Unless you've been living in a cave on Mars, you have undoubtedly heard that the ultimate white-trash power couple, the Federline-Spearses, are expecting their first little bundle of future child-support payments. Can't you just see the little dear now, swaddled in a white "Baby Pimp" sweatsuit, a ring of Cheeto dust surrounding its little mouth? Cletus Federline? Joe-Bob Federline-Spears? Nah, too many hyphens. Cooter! And what if it's a girl? Lurleene? Taqueesha? Madonna Federline!

Whatever they decide, that kid's gonna be the richest little Tang-drinking tornado-dodger in the state of Louisiana.

After an arduous Google search, I cannot find any reference to who actually manufactures Steak-Um. However, judging from the staggering number of public schools that popped up, the thinly-sliced frozen steak product is still a staple of school lunches everywhere. BUT... I haven't actually seen Steak-Um in the freezer section for years, and they don't seem to have a website. Does Steak-Um still exist? If not, are these schools simply referring to thin-sliced, fried "steak" by a generic term (like xerox, band-aid, coke, kleenex, etc.)? In the pantheon of white-trash food, Steak-Um holds a place of honor, along with the aforementioned spray-cheese (and its mysterious cousin, Velveeta), scrapple, Spam, ambrosia salad, the Stuckey's Pecan Log Roll, and the various culinary stylings of Waffle House.

Who can solve this Steak-Um mystery?

**UPDATE: Finally, a bible worth reading!! [Thanks to Marcie for the link]

Thank You for Pimping My Burger!

Thanks to Shannon for this hilarious (and somewhat long) Flash movie. Two words: German subtitles.

Also, the infamous Sex Pistols movie, The Great Rock 'N' Roll Swindle, is finally coming out on DVD.

Anyone up for a pussy hunt??

Oh grow up! I mean cat hunting, obviously. It's totally the hott white-trash passtime in South Dakota and Minnesota, and now it may be coming to Wisconsin. Don't these kitties just look like a threat to livestock and small children?


(AP Photo/St. Paul Pioneer Press, Joe Rossi)

THIS is why we need to keep assault weapons and armor-piercing bullets legal! Wild kitty-cats are threatening our freedom!!

Repeat After Me, Class: "DUH."

Did I take pictures at Friday night's Bloc Party show at Bowery Ballroom? YES.

Was I so drunk I forgot to press the "save" button? YES.

*sigh*

Last night we watched Intervention, a new reality show featuring... that's right, interventions! It was depressing. Also, I suspect mine might not be far off.

I Ain't One for Fancy Words or Book Learnin'

So I'll just let this explain how I feel about my country.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

"Chip, You Know I Hate the Brown Word"

Oh yeah... blogging... riiiight.

April Fools Day celebration of Brian the Designer's beeday was a blast. As you can see, we played old-school video games all night.

Also, the monkey on Brian's chest began to glow with love and benevolence, healing everyone's hangover.



Saturday provided no respite from the alcoholic spiral. LCD Soundsystem show at Bowery Ballroom was brilliant. Never has so much cowbell filled one room! The cowbells outnumbered the hipsters two to one! Although the cover of Siouxie's "Slowdive" left something to be desired, they did a monster cover of Nilsson's "Jump into the Fire" that fully redeemed their sins. As you can see, camera phones are not ideal for capturing live music...



The increasing workload at the management's day job has forced blogductivity to suffer noticeably. For this I apologize. In the meantime, come to Low-Life tomorrow night at Rififi. We'll be playing a British-only music set (assuming the other Secret Square agrees). Hey, when you spin records week after week, you gotta try to keep things interesting.

Speaking of the Secret Squares, I found this fun quote:

"New York Herald Tribune women's editor Eugenia Shepard has found what she calls The Secret Squares--people who can determine 'the thin dividing line between a little touch of the chic new vulgarity and the absolute dead end.'"

That is the perfect definition of the Secret Squares!

**Special bonus points for the first person to identify this post's title quote.**

Great Moments in Douchebaggery

The War of the Douchebags just got a little more interesting thanks to the shit-hot investigative journalism of No One Here Is Asking. This site puts my sad little comments on this epic battle of wussyladies to shame. [Thanks to Peter for the link.] Man, I cannot wait for the staged sissy-slap fight they're gonna have backstage at the MTV Music Video Awards. In a real sissy fight with real hair-pulling, my money would be on The Bravery. But this is a staged PR extravaganza, so The Killers will come back and win with some crazy illegal tag-in at the last second. Then the ref will get hit with a chair and the whole thing will spill out of the ring and the Hulkster will tear his shirt to pieces and...

Okay, I've managed to crawl out of my ultra-vivid hangover-induced WWF daydream. Captain Lou and Cindy Lauper showed up... shit was incredible.

Aaaaanyway...

A very special thank-you to Lane from DEVA for sending me the greatest link that ever linked. SERIOUSLY, GO THERE NOW!!

Happy Birthday to Brian the Designer. The greatest Polish joke ever was born on April Fools Day! Snap!!

I finally managed to check out my man Caleb's video for Matt Pond PA. The fucker made it on no budget with no time. If I'd known he was a genius I would have spent more time being nice to him so I could get free stuff and plus-ones and shit someday when he's famous.

Finally, thanks to absolutely no one for not doing me any goddamn favors and showing up for Low-Life last night. We had fun without you, bitches. Have a good weekend. I have LCD Soundsystem tix, so next week I'll regale you with tales of punk-funking hipsteriffic asymmetrical haircuts and tight blazers and ironic high-top sneakers.